


There Aren't Any Fun Demons

by Impala_Chick



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Crack, Demon Shane Madej, Demons, Gen, Humor, Minor Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej, POV Outsider
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-06 05:57:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21221708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Impala_Chick/pseuds/Impala_Chick
Summary: Belial’s job is to observe Earth-bound demons. There is one demon in particular that Lucifer’s become especially interested in.





	There Aren't Any Fun Demons

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Andian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Andian/gifts).

> Featuring actual Shane quotes.

“Report,” Lucifer commands, tapping his foot against the charred ground. He leans forward in his huge gold throne. Dense fog crawls across the ground and the room is bathed in a faint orange glow. Lucifer flicks out his long, red tongue and gnashes his teeth, but Belial knows it’s all for show.

Belial’s job is to observe Earth-bound demons. There is one demon in particular that Lucifer has become especially interested in.

“Shane won’t let me get too close to the human. Even though Ryan’s soul seems ripe for harvesting,” Belial says calmly. 

“That sounds… normal. For Shane. What else?” Lucifer presses.

Belial sighs but takes care not to roll his eyes in front of the King of Hell. Last time he did that, he was struck by lightning and his eyebrows burned off. They didn’t grow back for 6 years. Not worth it.

“Well, Sir. He hasn’t sent a soul to us in over a decade. When I visit him, he yells at me in front of the human. It’s very degrading,” Belial says. He’s not trying to complain, but it’s been over a year since he started following Shane and he hasn’t seen any progress. Lucifer might be angry if Belial doesn’t come up with an excuse.

“What kinds of things does he say?” Lucifer says as he scrapes his long, black nails along his chin. 

Belial smiles wickedly. He’d hoped Lucifer would ask. Maybe once Lucifer understands that Shane is a lost cause, Belial will be reassigned to a more interesting job. A demon of Belial’s station has better things to do.

“One time, he taunted me to walk out of the portal! He dared me to possess him even though he knows full well that I cannot. He screamed and scared me so badly I fell off a bunk bed. He says I’m a coward,” Belial explains with a long suffering sigh. Shane really is the worst. “He called me a horny boy. And a dork.”

Lucifer stares at him for a moment with his eyes wide. Belial feels his body tense as he waits to hear Lucifer’s judgment.

And then the King of Hell throws his head back and laughs. His voice is high-pitched and echoes in the dank cavern. The laughter bounces off the walls as Lucifer slaps his knee and flops over in his chair.

“Horny Boy!” Lucifer repeats in between fits of laughter. 

Belial crosses his scaly orange arms and huffs in frustration as he waits. This is almost more humiliating than Shane yelling at him.

Just as abruptly as he’d started, Lucifer stops laughing and focuses his gaze on Belial again. He flicks his long tongue out and steps from his throne to tower over Belial. 

“You tell him that while Lucifer appreciates his good humor, he owes Lucifer a soul. Humans can be endearing, but they can’t live forever.” Lucifer pokes Belial in the chest with his sharp nail, and spittle rains from his mouth as he speaks.

“So I have to go back to Earth?” Belial says, incredulous. His plan is totally backfiring on him.

Lucifer growls and leans down until Belial can smell the smoke and ash of his fiery breath. Belial stays very still, careful not to flinch.

“Yes, imbecile. Stop letting Shane taunt you and get him to do his job. Hell has a soul shortage while Shane is just lollygagging around. He goes to a building full of humans every day and hasn’t harvested even _one_ of their souls. Unacceptable,” Lucifer booms.

Belial knows enough about Shane to know he likes the humans he works with quite a bit. And Shane has already made it perfectly clear that he’s never going to turn Ryan over. 

Because Lucifer just handed him a nearly impossible task, Belial rolls his eyes before he can stop himself.

His eyebrows are swiftly singed off by a bolt of hellish lightning. The whole room smells like burnt flesh.

Belial moans in horror. This is all Shane's fault.


End file.
